Crown Tournament – Fall 2021
Over the summer, there was a “Spring” crown tournament that I entered, however due to a scheduling problem I had to withdraw. This was probably for the best, as I heard is was ungodly hot. Fall crown, however, is totally my jam. I put in my letter of intent, and started training. At Coldwood, in early October, I took a nasty shot to the front of my shin from a polearm in melee. It sucked, but the pain subsided a few days later and it was just a lump. Then, a week or two later at Hawthorne, I took another shot there, this time just to the side. This hurt a little more, but after a day or so it was the same as the first. A few days later, at Shire wars, I took a third shot to the same area, and this time it was different. The pain was brutal, and though I fought through it the day of and did some melee, once I geared down it reminded me that this wasn’t a good idea. After that, the pain was bad. If I sat still, or had it elevated, it would be mostly ok and just have a faint uncomfortable throb. When I stood up, however, the rush of blood made it pretty painful, and I wasn’t able to bear weight on it right away. Not good. This took over a week to start going away, so I had decided to not attend practices until crown (if I could fight crown at all). I also decided to change up my leg armor and add greaves. This would require me taking my current legs apart. I ordered new leg armor, and I also sent my shield out to have it painted for crown. I got my leg armor in the week before crown, put on new cops, and sent pics to a few marshals for approval. Bad news: they failed inspection due to the cops not going back far enough. I reached out to Trentus, and he graciously offered to lend me his leg armor, as did Sir Tanaka. My shield was ready and delivered to the tournament, so that was fine, though I was a bit concerned that it would feel different (it didn’t, thankfully).
Day of crown, I got on site and did the guard thing for setup and handling the royals. After that, I went to get geared up. I started the day in a bad headspace. I didn’t sleep the night before, and almost had a panic attack the morning of. I’ve suffered with these for years, so this was old hat at this point. I went in to do the work, but my confidence and comfort levels were virtually non-existent. I started out with some warm up fights with Talan, but just didn’t feel right. I felt my foot step onto the quicksand, and it began doing it’s deadly work. My first fight was a challenge up fight. I chose Elglin of House Eagle, a good friend that I rarely get to fight. I couldn’t settle in, and after a brief exchange I was handed my first loss. After the first round, pairings were random. My second pairing was with Padraig, another fighter I know and am friends with. We fought for awhile, and I started to settle a little bit. This time I was able to pull off the win and move forward. I was desperately trying to move my headspace in the right direction, but kept feeling that inexorable pull downward. My third pairing was with Angus McKinnon, whom I’ve never fought before. I pushed and pushed, but in the end came up wanting and was eliminated from the tournament.
I wasn’t happy with my performance. I had set tiered goals for the day, and failed to meet them. I didn’t fight my fight. My headspace was all wrong, and my skill suffered because of this. It wasn’t my armor to blame. It wasn’t my previous injury. It wasn’t my panic disorder, and it sure as hell wasn’t my shield. I didn’t get myself together, and thus I had a bad day. After being eliminated, I went off and sat by myself to mull things over. I saw people doing pick ups. I looked at my gear, considering whether or not to fully gear down. I was in a pretty bad space. I looked out at the combatants still fighting, at those doing pickups after being eliminated, and made my choice. I grabbed my shit and went to pick some fights. I fought Volmar for a few passes, and then started working with a companion of the Silver Tyger, Kit’s man-at-arms, who was trying out polearm. We worked on some skills, and ran a few drills over and over to get him more comfortable. Master Tiernan came over to help out as well, which was great. Then I was able to do some passes with Caccia, after which I was pretty much done for the day as my shield basket lost a bolt. I thanked everyone for the great passes, and went to gear down.
The rest of the day was spent watching the semis and finals, where folks I really like battled it out for the right to lead our kingdom at war. In the end, Sir Ryouko’jin of the Iron-Skies was crowned the victor and became heir of the East, alongside his awesome lady Indrakshi Aravinda. My fellow household member Cassian Arminious came in second and became the Admiral of Armies. There was much pomp and circumstance, which followed into court where awesome people were recognized for their hard work and dedication to the society. I’m not gonna do a straight up court report, suffice to say that good things happened to good people.
For me, I was in rough shape. I was hurting a bit physically, exhausted, and emotionally drained. The following day, after I got home, I started really diving into what was wrong with my headspace going into the tournament. I discussed this with the Lish, and as always she had some great insight. There were many factors at play. I had a lot of other responsibilities at the event that were not fighting related. This was the first tournament I fought since getting my OTC. I had not been to a practice in about 3 weeks due to my shin issue. Also, I felt like I had to do as well as I did at Harpers to prove that wasn’t a fluke. I felt like there was an expectation now that as an OTC I should do better than 3 and out. Another expectation I felt was that people with game whom I respect felt I should be able to go a fair distance in the lists. With those in mind, I feel like I failed myself, as well as in the eyes of others. I don’t do well under pressure when it comes to fighting. I grew up in a very competitive household, and ended up being highly competitive as a kid. Problem was, I never had the skills to compete at a high level, so it was just a gauntlet of disappointment and frustration as I came up short again and again. Over the years, I stopped being competitive to save myself the aggravation and pain. This factors in here as well, and adds to my headspace problems. I also have major impostor syndrome, which goes against the belief others have in my abilities. All of this is a solid recipe for quicksand, and adding in the other day-specific stressors did not help matters. In the end, I just couldn’t make it happen, and that just fed my impostor syndrome a hearty meal which allowed it to beat up on the faith my fellows have in me. Normally I just fight for the love of it, but that’s where things can be dicey for tournaments. I’m “on the path”, so if I say I’m just fighting for the love of it and don’t do well, then I appear not serious. If I push and fuck up, then it’s because I suck. Both not great options, especially for someone that other fighters may look up to.
Today, I start my headspace training. I ordered a few books on mushin, and will be working with some of the companions of the Chivalry on skills to improve my focus and headspace during tournaments. I will get past this plateau, I will push ever forward, and I will someday achieve my goals. I understand that this will take time, and that’s ok. I will continue to push myself, and to push those around me. I plan on taking this journey with others who have similar issues, so we can grow together. If you’re reading this, and you’re a newer fighter, a fighter who looks up to me, or both, then know that you’re not alone in your struggles. We all face tough times on this adventure, even those already in the Order of Chivalry. We can be open and honest about these things. They aren’t shameful, and they aren’t stigmas. Accept that it’s a challenge, reach out to those who can help, and we can all move forward together. There is no point on this path where you shouldn’t glance back and offer a helping hand to someone else struggling. I most certainly did not get where I am by myself. People from the Order of Chivalry down to those with no fighting awards whatsoever have helped me along in my path. We can move forward more easily together, and I’m comforted to not be alone in this struggle. Thank you all who’ve helped me thus far, and all who have promised to help me going forward.
And now, some pics to show the class and seriousness of the Lish and I on line waiting to process in:
Unwanted Criticisms 