Archive | September 2012

Unforgiven for all the wrong reasons

Alright kids, today’s rant lesson will be about forgiveness. This is somewhat of a touchy subject for some people. There are those who can forgive rather easily, and those who hold grudges forever, as well as all combinations in between. I’m going to lay out some of my feelings on the subject.

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Forgive? Perhaps. Forget? I think not…

I fully believe that there are certain things that should NEVER be forgiven. For example, if I were to find out my best friend and my wife have been having an affair, or even a one night stand, then neither would ever be forgiven. Basically, a real betrayal of trust, love, and/or friendship. Things of this nature don’t fall under the 3 strikes and you’re out rule. Most times, it’s instant banishment. Now I know many people say forgiveness is divine and right and blah blah blah. Bullshit. If someone rapes your daughter during her morning jog through the park, there isn’t a force on this earth that could make me forgive him. Healthy or not, that’s just the way it is, and I cannot even fathom how people can forgive true atrocities.

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unless they betrayed you….

Most other things, though, I can see forgiving. Much of the petty bullshit, and even some other slightly serious stuff that may have been done without even knowing the repercussions. For example, if my wife had an affair with a man who had no idea she wasn’t single, I could hardly blame the man. Were I single, I could easily fall into the same trap. Now I will share 2 stories of forgiveness that have been on my mind recently.

First, though, a DISCLAIMER! Should you read this next section and know the parties involved, other than myself, please keep specifics out of the comments. I’m not here to roast people alive publicly. This is, after all, all about me, not them.

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Sometimes you use up your quota with one action…

For risk of an insanely long post, I’ll just stick with the highlights. I dated a girl, and we broke up. Awhile later, we starting hanging out again, and I wanted to get back with her. I knew a friend of mine wanted to sleep with her, so I asked him to please respect my feelings and not pursue her. He gave me his word that he wouldn’t do anything with her, and broke it. He went after her, slept with her, and tried keeping it from me. I found out a few weeks later, and we had it out. I stopped talking to both of them for a time, and eventually started talking to him again. I know why he did it, he knew that I’d give him one more chance if he pretended to be truly sorry for what he did. I’m still friends with him, but it’ll never be what it once was or could have been. It’s not because he fucked some girl, it’s because he swore on our friendship that I was more important to him than just getting off on a new conquest. That cut the deepest, the outright selfishness and betrayal. Whether other people think it’s petty or not, I’ll never be able to forgive something like that, and if I’ve done something like that to anyone, I don’t think I should be forgiven either.

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Once again, Boromir is right…

The second story goes like this. (prepare for recurring theme) I started hanging with a new group of people through a mutual friend. A girl in said group was dating a guy, and we’d all hung out plenty of times. Girl and guy end up breaking up almost a year later. A few weeks after that, girl expresses interest in yours truly, and we hook up. Bear in mind, I wasn’t actually friends with the dude. We’d hung out maybe 4 or 5 times, and we didn’t really click as friends. We were more of acquaintances. So, guy then begins to utterly hate me. Now, I know what you’re thinking “I’d hate you too if you started dating my ex whom I’d cared about”. Well, that’s not really why he hated me. He was somehow under the impression that she was cheating on him with me while they were dating, AND that I was the one that did the wooing and went after her, which I absolutely did NOT do. Let’s face it, I wasn’t exactly don-fucking-juan back in the day, I was more of a clueless tool. I was struck almost speechless when she said she liked me. Suave motherfucker, that’s me. So he still hates me to this day, and for his reasons I would too. Problem is, his reasons aren’t true. I don’t mind people hating me, lord knows I’ve given tons of people good reason to, but if you’re gonna hate, do it for the right reasons. Don’t hate someone for doing something they didn’t do.

So there you go.  If you have specific thoughts on the subject, let me know in the comments.

Taming the wild

I’ve been thinking lately (I know, a painful endeavor for one as poorly equipped as me), about differences between the me of today, and the me from years ago. One of the things I’ve noticed, which is something nobody ever thought would happen, is that I’ve become incredibly tame compared to how I used to be. The problem with that is I’ve also gotten much more self conscious and paranoid, which doesn’t help matters.

 

Well, which is it?!

My personality is such that I have difficulty dealing with shades of grey. This doesn’t mean I’m colorblind, I just fluctuate between one extreme and the other, without much room for middle ground. So I kind of went from sheer out and out lunacy, to just kinda hanging out and standing back as much as possible. Yes, for those of you who’ve hung out with me, I used to be much, much worse.

I’m shocked I never had to wear one of these…when not by choice, that is….

 

I used to be all over the place, seemingly full of boundless energy, and extremely outgoing….unless you were female and attractive, in which case I sort of avoided you like the plague in an attempt to not look like a loser. Hey, nobody said I was smart. Anyways, I notice more and more now how much that’s changed. I went from crazy and cocky, to reasonably laid back and self conscious. I thought a little about what could have caused this, and I’m pretty sure I know a big part of it.

Years ago, I started seeing a shrink due to the sudden onset of anxiety issues and panic attacks. It was pretty scary shit at the time. I ended up delving into the really nasty shit in my past that most people don’t wanna deal with. From there, I came to terms with why I was the way I was, and what my past did to me. Apparently, I only ‘seemed’ to be cocky and confident and sure of myself. All of it was an act, since who wants to hang around Mr. timid and boring when it’s your early to mid 20’s. The truth was, I was out to prove myself to everyone I met, and do whatever it took for people to like me. This was the result of years of abuse and bullying from my peers, as well as some other factors I’ll not get into.

That’s me….woof!

Once I figured this out, and realized that the people in my life at the moment were not hanging out with me because I was crazy and cocky, but because they actually did like me, I just stopped acting. The problem with that, is that when I was acting that way, I would believe that that part of me was real. It gave me confidence, balls, an edge, whatever you wanna call it. Without that, I sort of fell back on the other side of it. Now I have all sorts of shitty side effects to that. Where before I could get up on stage and be wacky and kick ass with a band, now I get nervous and doubt. On the rare occasions where I get lost in the moment and ‘forget’ to doubt myself, I’m fine.

Results of getting older, my ass!!!

Some say this is just the result of ‘getting older’, but I think that’s horse shit. After all, I’m way more interesting now than I was years ago, so I should be overflowing with confidence and self esteem. But that’s not the case, because when I look at myself, I still see that kid. The kid who was bullied and hated for virtually no reason, just because someone had to be the omega. I don’t see the man I’ve become. I don’t even see the me who fought back for 2 years of High School, and gave the bullies hell. Because somewhere in my logical mind, I think to myself that there must have been something about me, there must have been some reason for them to target me, and maybe I actually did deserve it somehow. My memory is decidedly poor, so I don’t remember, but it’s possible.

I know, I”m completely mental, but that’s me. And just think, I’m this fucked up, and you sick bastards read my ramblings and bullshit….So thanks!

 

The possibilities are sickening

Recently, I was sitting home alone, bored. Calm down, this doesn’t go into wok-a-chicka wok-a-chica territory. I had planned on just chilling out and re-playing Final Fantasy 7 for the eleventy billionth time, but figured I’d throw on a movie while I ate my dinner and relaxed a bit. I have a list of flicks on my PS3 that I haven’t gotten around to watching, so I put one on at random. All I have to say is, holy fuck, that was some messed up shit!

The movie I watched was Contagion, a thriller about a new disease that causes a pandemic. It follows various unrelated characters throughout the film. Overall, the movie was very well done. If you watched the trailer for this and thought it was going to be just like “Outbreak”, think again. This movie is way more gritty and fucked up. The science wasn’t ridiculous, the acting was solid, and the drama was engaging. Matt Damon, Laurence Fishburn, Kate Winslet, and others really come together and deliver with expert precision. However, this isn’t the kind of movie you watch over and over again. This is one of those “once is enough” movies, and I’ll explain why I say that.

First and foremost, I probably shouldn’t have watched this while still recovering from being sick. Thankfully, I didn’t watch this last week, or I’d have been a fucking basket case. Another reason is because early in the movie, a kid dies of the disease. Truth be told, millions of kids die from it throughout the movie, but in the beginning it’s highlighted. Having kids makes shit like this really hit home. If something like this happened to one of mine, I doubt I’d be able to handle it with any sort of rational response.

An overhead view of the famous Cabbage Patch Kid riots of the 1980’s

The paranoia of it hitting my home aside, the really fucked up part of this whole experience is the portrayal of society’s reaction. Public places being on lockdown, people getting incredibly paranoid, violence, looting, murder, etc all factor into the equation, and lead to society instantly devolving. For example, at one point in the movie they close off an entire state for quarantine, with a main character inside. That person goes back home, and one night hears this popping sound. He looks out his window to see that people had broken into his neighbor’s house and shot them, just so they could take their food and supplies.

This is a true portrayal of how our supposedly enlightened society devolves instantly once the illusion we live in is broken. Most people don’t realize that we teeter on the edge every day, and how close we are to seeing the man behind the curtain. We desperately hold onto our illusions of safety and peace, while railing against one supposed injustice or another. Day in and day out, we blind ourselves to the truth of our existence, and refuse to look down the barrel of true perspective to see how fleeting and fragile our lives and realities are. Don’t get me wrong, as a whole I believe we NEED these illusions in order to maintain sanity. If someone kept this shit in perspective daily, they’d end up bat shit crazy….like me.

Anyways, I’ve posted about this shit before, so I’ll not bore you all constantly with my rants on this subject. The movie was excellent, but don’t watch it if reality checks get to you. Also, if you do watch it and think it could or would never happen, think again. Believing it can’t happen to you will only make you unprepared and more likely to be a victim when it actually does.

Like a porn without the money shot

Last night, I finished watching the first and only season of a TV show from 2011. It was cancelled after 9 episodes, and the 10th episode was released online only. Thankfully, they were all on Netflix, and during my recent sickness I was able to watch all ten.

Look at me, I’m Joe superhero!

NOBODY tried touching this man’s fries!

The show was called “The Cape“. It’s basically about a cop who gets framed and is thought to be dead, who then becomes a masked superhero called The Cape. It was a bit cheezy, I’ll admit, but entertaining. Best of all, the cast was actually pretty good. Vinny Jones played a creepy thug with scaly skin, Summer Glau played a sexy geek, and the great Keith David played the head of the Carnival of Crime!!! He was definitely the best part of the show, with Ms. Glau’s legs coming in a close second. Apart from the somewhat campy superhero part, the short lived series had its moments of good drama and acting, and I found myself oddly interested in the show and where it was going.

Deeeeeeeeelicious!!!

The final episode, which I watched last night, was called “Endgame”. I was expecting it to get all wrapped up, with the bad guy caught and blah blah blah, but sadly that didn’t happen. Instead, it left off open ended, and that frustrated the absolute shit outta me. I hate when this shit happens to decent shows, while they let other shows jump the shark, genetically engineer new sharks, then jump over more sharks with the new sharks while watching Card Sharks on classic TV. Yes, Lost, I’m looking at you! I would have gladly traded in the last 4 seasons of lost for 4 full seasons of Firefly.

Nothing I say will do them justice…

Firefly was THE short-lived series. The show was undoubtedly awesome, but Fox just “didn’t get it” and ended up cancelling the show mid-season. The entire run of episodes is available on Netflix, as is The Cape. I’m not sure what the deal is with these companies cancelling shows, that are obviously good, so long before their time. Some, like Farscape, do well and just get cancelled anyway for very suspicious reasons. It’s something that aggravates the absolute hell outta me.

This frelling show is the dren!

Farscape actually lasted 4 full seasons, and was phenomenal throughout all of them. The characters, the drama, the Sci-Fi, the set design and makeup, all of it came together for Farscape in such a great way that it is truly my favorite Sci-Fi series. Many people speculate as to why it was really cancelled, but nobody really knows for sure. One thing we do know, this show could’ve gone longer and stayed awesome!

Now, if you like Sci-Fi, and have somehow never watched Farscape or Firefly, do yourself the favor and watch them both. You won’t be let down. If you like Superhero fluff and think Keith David is as awesome as I do, then check out The Cape.

To all you TV stations out there…STOP CANCELLING DECENT SHOWS!!! Cancel American Idol or shit like that, those shows have no redeeming qualities!

Coxsacco and Vanzetti beat my ass

I know I promised to post much more often, but I do have a good excuse to have missed the past week. I’ve literally been laid up, sick as hell, for the past week. Now I can regale you all with what happened, so prepare to be either bored, grossed out, or both.

Two weeks ago, both kids got Coxsackie Virus. Little man had it first, was messed up with fevers for about a day and a half, then got the rash all over his body. The rash wasn’t itchy or painful, and it didn’t touch his face or mouth. Little girl had fevers the same amount of time, a few small sores in her throat, but otherwise had a milder case.

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Not even cowbell could break this fever….

I woke up last Monday morning feeling really off. I thought it was because I hadn’t slept well the night before, and I get that way sometimes when I haven’t slept because I have anxiety issues that come out when I’m run down. We were set to go to the park with the kids and some friends, so I said let’s just go, and I’ll deal. I was freezing cold, and felt really horrible. When we got there, I was still feeling fucked up, so I went to go lay down in the car. About an hour later, when the wife came by, I was burning up. We decided that it was time to go see the doctor.

We headed home to drop off the kids, and then headed out to the medicenter (since getting an actual appointment with my doctor the same day is harder than gaining audience with the king…err, president…you see my confusion). Wifey called, and they were closed, so we just turned around and headed home, since I didn’t want to do the ER thing for a fever. We got home, I lay down in bed, and my angel of mercy brought in a laptop to play movies so I could tune out and sleep. After about 15 minutes or so of me shivering under piles of blankets, she decided it was time to take my temp. After clocking in at 104.3 degrees F, I conceded that the ER may be necessary after all.

It wasn’t just my fever that drove us to this conclusion, it was also the fact that I was completely delirious, talking to myself, and was probably hallucinating. Hard to remember, honestly.

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I always wanted to be special.

We get to the hospital, and I get dumped into a wheelchair. I’m basically just staring into nothing like Robert DeNiro in Awakenings. I was pretty unresponsive too. They got me in, gave me fluids, Toradol, and hot blankets. Once the fever broke, they kept me a bit longer, since my blood pressure was 88/37. They eventually sent me home with the diagnosis that I had, in fact, gotten Coxsackie. This is unusual, since my kids’ pediatrician told us that adults couldn’t get it, but apparently something like 2% of adults get it too, and as you all know, 2% is the name of my wheelhouse.

The first few days were just full of high fevers and very sore throat. Every time I swallowed, it was pretty much like trying to swallow a mouthful of broken glass. Thankfully, after the fevers broke, I got to keep that part. Wednesday the rash started, and Thursday it kicked into full swing. The sores on my hands hurt, especially when I showered, like I had burns covering them. My mouth also filled with sores like canker sores. I’ve had those before, but usually only one or two at a time. This time, I was treated to several dozen. I literally could not eat solid foods at this point because of the pain. Before this, I’d had a few bowls of soup, but stopped because the sores on my tongue burned very painfully whenever I ate.

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Actual shot of the rash on my hand.

I ended up only having water and milk, since those were the only things that didn’t kill. Over the weekend I ventured out to GNC, and got some high calorie shake powder and I’ve been making some shakes to stave off the hunger as much as possible, as well as taking multivitamins. Not the greatest diet, but it’s what I’ve got. It felt like I had the goddamn plague. My hands have stopped hurting now, but the rash is still there. My mouth is in slightly less pain, but I still have sores that hurt. Overall, I’d say this is one of the worst diseases I’ve ever had. There were nights where I couldn’t sleep because of the pain, I’ve had no energy, couldn’t eat, and couldn’t come into contact with anyone due to being highly contagious.

So in closing, if a doctor says you “can’t” get something, remember the words of old 2% here, and don’t fucking believe them. Take precautions anyways! Take vitamins! Eat right! Be smart! Basically, do everything I don’t do!!!