Man of rusting steel

Last time, I told you all about the first movie played during the double feature at the drive-in I went to a few weeks ago. After that shitstorm, I was ready for something awesome, and what could be more awesome than Superman?! The answer….a lot, apparently.

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Check out how cool this looks, how could they go wrong?

I’m gonna try and not stress any issues with the usual Superman canon, since all that does is make comic book nerds agitated. They assault me with random factoids from certain short-lived side series and reboots of said comic, forcing me to give up to avoid strapping them to the underside of my car and grinding them on speed bumps. Instead, I’ll just look at some of the normal stupid shit in the movie, stuff that I thought was either aggravating, or just plain retarded.

First, I should say that I REALLY wanted to like this movie. I got so excited when Superman Returns came out, and it let me down horribly. It was like being able to have sex with Olivia Wilde, only to find out she was a total cold fish…with narcolepsy….and a penis….and incontinent….I’m sure you get the point. So, I really had high hopes for this one. Problem was, it kept smacking me over the head with dumb ass shit until I just wanted it to end. I still had hope until about 3/4 of the way through, but had to finally give in to my growing irritation…

Enough procrastinating. Let’s get down to it, shall we?

pacingMy biggest issue with this movie is the pacing. The majority of the movie goes from present day to flashbacks over and over again. This made the entire narrative disjointed, jarring, and devoid of any flow. It also made character development take forever, and left me having to look back at most of the movie once it was done to see what the character was actually doing. Basically, waiting to explain shit via flashback kills any emotional impact of the scene, forcing that impact to happen after the fact. This disconnects the viewer from the character, emotionally. I’m guessing this was done for some artistic reason, but it definitely didn’t work.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!! If you don’t want this movie ruined, stop reading.

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Hey mom, let’s just sit here and watch dad die without trying to save himself. I love family time.

Next up, the tornado scene, Clark’s dad runs into the path of a tornado to save the family dog from a car. Basically, his father would rather save the family dog and abandon his wife and kid, than let Clark use his powers to save the dog (while staying safe) and help his super son grow into a moral person who makes smart decisions. First of all, if Clark just ran very quickly, not even super speed quick, he’d likely have made it. If he did have to use his speed to escape, he could have easily blamed it on the high winds of the tornado. Apart from that, my issue is this. Dad won’t let him use his powers to save someone, cuz he doesn’t want him to be revealed as an alien, and dad’s death supposedly solidifies this in him. He reacts by….wandering around from job to job, saving people with his powers….riiiiiight. Perfectly logical!

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I AM NOT OVERACTING……WELL MAYBE A LITTLE!

Now for my gripe about stupid movie decisions. First, the banishment of Zod. Basically, they convict him and his cronies and put them in the only place that would be saved from the obvious destruction of their race. Don’t go telling me that they didn’t realize their planet was about to blow up. If OUR planet was about to blow up, our scientists would know that shit, and compared to the scientists of Krypton, our greatest minds and just one step above window lickers. That whole part was just stupid and insulting. They have insane technology, but don’t realize that the planet is about to blow up. Come on, dude.

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Come with me, Zod, to the shake-n-bake bag!

Another big issue, which was also shared by pretty much everyone else I know who saw it, was the shake-n-bake fight scenes. Basically, they took Zod and Cal, put them in a big ass ziplock bag with some buildings and shit, and shook the crap out of it. They filmed this, and presented it to us as “the epic superman fight scene”. The CGI for this looked more like the game “Injustice: Gods Among Us” than anything else. That wasn’t a compliment. This basically left us not knowing WTF was happening, who hit who, or who was winning, until someone got thrown out and they did their 3 second stand off before getting back in the bag for another shake. That’s not a fight scene, that’s a cop out. I don’t care that if the fight really happened, that’s how it would look to a human. Guess what? No human would have even witnessed this, because any humans in the area were all most likely dead already.

And WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT STUPID AMORPHOUS THING HE FOUGHT?! That had to be one of the best WTF moments I’ve seen on film in years!!! Made no sense!

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Not kidding, that thing was fucking clown shoes ridiculous!

Lots of people got all uppity because the movie ends with Superman killing Zod. The whole point of the outrage being that Superman doesn’t kill. It’s part of his code, it’s part of his being, part of his soul. Well, to those people, I say this: Tell that to the countless people whose deaths he’s responsible for during his fight with Zod. You mean to tell me he couldn’t draw Zod out to a more remote area? The gravity/terraforming thing was broken at that point, so Zod would totally have given chase. He also caused a few billion dollars in property damage, but hey, who cares. What’re they gonna do, sue him?

How about a few quickies?

If the ship in the ice had been there for thousands of years, how did it already have the superman suit in it?

Why the hell was Lois taken by Zod aboard his ship? He had no idea that she meant anything to Cal.

Are you really trying to tell me that our atmosphere gave them super powers, and none of them ever figured that shit out before while on Krypton?!

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT AMORPHOUS  THING?!?!?!

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Only bad guy who was believable and acted well, downplayed during most of the film….

Anyways, I could go on and on about this shit. The point I’m getting at is that this movie COULD have been so awesome, and it just wasn’t. The action scenes were decent, except for the fighting, and some of the special effects were cool. If the story and script were cleaned up, it could have been awesome. Hell, even the love story part between Lois and Clark felt incredibly rushed and forced (though still a better love story than Twilight). Zod was ok, but I think his two lieutenants should have had more of a role. It seemed like Zod was constantly overacting. The chick was pretty good though. All in all, I’ll leave it like this. If it was on television, I’d probably leave it on for a few minutes before changing the channel.

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Admit it, ladies, this is the only reason you wanted to see this movie…

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