Just like old times

I’d like to think that I’ve grown over the years, that I’ve dealt with and made peace with my past. I’d like to think that I’ve arrived at the point in my life where I stop making stupid mistakes, saying stupid things, and acting like a schmuck. Yeah, I’d like that; it’d be nice, and it hasn’t happened.

asshole lord noel

so true….

For the most part, I’m still in my late teens/early twenties. A fair amount of my reactions to certain people or situations are the same, and while it’s true that I make more of an effort to not react stupidly to these situations these days, I still have plenty of cringe moments. Whenever I’m in certain situations, or around certain people, I revert back to my old mentality, quite often saying things that make me look like a total ass or loser. To me, it’s a reminder that, though the cover and forward of this story may change due to occasional re-issues of the book of my life, the content inside remains pretty much the same. I’m apparently still the same person inside that I was when I was younger, with many of the same flaws mostly intact. Nowadays, it’s looking like I’ll end up being this person for the rest of my life. The only real differences will be these: I will have more experience, and I will have less valid excuses for when I do or say stupid shit, since my aforementioned experience should have taught me something.

1114200984341AM_StupidRemarkI’m not sure if other people are like this. It’s tough to have a truly open conversation with another person about who they really are, and I’m pretty sure I know why. The real true person we are inside tends to be a hand we all play close to the chest, and for pretty good reasons. Let’s face it, we all have thoughts, feelings, and desires that we may not be proud of or want anyone to know. I’d wager that most of them are just random thoughts like “I wonder what it would feel like to do that…“, or “I just wanna do this“. The other parts are the really shitty or embarrassing things about ourselves that we don’t wanna admit. For me, I tend to always believe that the person other people told me I was many years ago, is the person I really am. Pretty typical deep-seated bullshit issue, but something I don’t think I could ever really shake. Yes, I’ve been to therapy before, and while that helped for some things, some are rooted so deep for so long, that they’ll never get resolved without some loss of identity or other severe repercussion.

stupid-things-people-say-abojut-mental-illness1Anyways, I really do wish I knew WHY I keep reacting like a stupid kid sometimes. I get in certain situations, and just react, as if it’s the most natural and right thing to do. Once my brain kicks in, and I realize the situation I’m in and how I just reacted to it, all I want to do is get out and hide in shame. Maybe one day I’ll learn to stop trying so hard, or to keep my mouth shut. For now, though, it looks like making an ass out of myself will still be something I have to deal with on a day to day basis….

 

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