Taming the wild

I’ve been thinking lately (I know, a painful endeavor for one as poorly equipped as me), about differences between the me of today, and the me from years ago. One of the things I’ve noticed, which is something nobody ever thought would happen, is that I’ve become incredibly tame compared to how I used to be. The problem with that is I’ve also gotten much more self conscious and paranoid, which doesn’t help matters.

 

Well, which is it?!

My personality is such that I have difficulty dealing with shades of grey. This doesn’t mean I’m colorblind, I just fluctuate between one extreme and the other, without much room for middle ground. So I kind of went from sheer out and out lunacy, to just kinda hanging out and standing back as much as possible. Yes, for those of you who’ve hung out with me, I used to be much, much worse.

I’m shocked I never had to wear one of these…when not by choice, that is….

 

I used to be all over the place, seemingly full of boundless energy, and extremely outgoing….unless you were female and attractive, in which case I sort of avoided you like the plague in an attempt to not look like a loser. Hey, nobody said I was smart. Anyways, I notice more and more now how much that’s changed. I went from crazy and cocky, to reasonably laid back and self conscious. I thought a little about what could have caused this, and I’m pretty sure I know a big part of it.

Years ago, I started seeing a shrink due to the sudden onset of anxiety issues and panic attacks. It was pretty scary shit at the time. I ended up delving into the really nasty shit in my past that most people don’t wanna deal with. From there, I came to terms with why I was the way I was, and what my past did to me. Apparently, I only ‘seemed’ to be cocky and confident and sure of myself. All of it was an act, since who wants to hang around Mr. timid and boring when it’s your early to mid 20’s. The truth was, I was out to prove myself to everyone I met, and do whatever it took for people to like me. This was the result of years of abuse and bullying from my peers, as well as some other factors I’ll not get into.

That’s me….woof!

Once I figured this out, and realized that the people in my life at the moment were not hanging out with me because I was crazy and cocky, but because they actually did like me, I just stopped acting. The problem with that, is that when I was acting that way, I would believe that that part of me was real. It gave me confidence, balls, an edge, whatever you wanna call it. Without that, I sort of fell back on the other side of it. Now I have all sorts of shitty side effects to that. Where before I could get up on stage and be wacky and kick ass with a band, now I get nervous and doubt. On the rare occasions where I get lost in the moment and ‘forget’ to doubt myself, I’m fine.

Results of getting older, my ass!!!

Some say this is just the result of ‘getting older’, but I think that’s horse shit. After all, I’m way more interesting now than I was years ago, so I should be overflowing with confidence and self esteem. But that’s not the case, because when I look at myself, I still see that kid. The kid who was bullied and hated for virtually no reason, just because someone had to be the omega. I don’t see the man I’ve become. I don’t even see the me who fought back for 2 years of High School, and gave the bullies hell. Because somewhere in my logical mind, I think to myself that there must have been something about me, there must have been some reason for them to target me, and maybe I actually did deserve it somehow. My memory is decidedly poor, so I don’t remember, but it’s possible.

I know, I”m completely mental, but that’s me. And just think, I’m this fucked up, and you sick bastards read my ramblings and bullshit….So thanks!

 

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