Well ain’t that a kick in the nuts…..
This story must be prefaced by some “bringing up to speed” statements for those who don’t know me personally. First, I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. Second, I have all the kids I’m going to want. Third, I’m the absolute dumbest smart person you’ll ever know. And finally, fourth, I’ve almost never had a sports-type injury.
That being said, let me tell you the story of this weekend past. On Friday, I went in for a vasectomy. We have kids already, and since we’re both poor AND out of rooms in the house, we figured one of us should get sterilized. I took up the charge, since for me it’s outpatient, and for her it would be major surgery.
When I first met this doctor, I walked away feeling….uncomfortable. The guy looks like Larry Fine, stutters like the lawyer from My Cousin Vinny, and has an odd staring problem. This all culminated when he asked me to drop my drawers so he could “see what he’d be working with”. He proceeded to have a hands on with my boys, and while doing so, started a conversation with me. If that wasn’t awkward enough, I glanced towards him, and he was staring up at me, right into my eyes! Caaaaareeeeeepy!!!
Now we get to the day of the procedure. I’m laying on the table, the doctor preps me, and then said that he needs to shave the area. Let’s pause for a moment. Guys, if you were going to shave an area, you’d follow a procedure, correct? Moisten the area, apply shaving cream, and gently shave the area. Not this dude!!! Instead, completely dry, he grabbed a safety razor and proceeded to shave the area like he was raking fucking leaves! Needless to say, it stung like a motherfucker! THEN, he pours about a liter of iodine on them, since he probably felt it wasn’t burning and stinging enough. Thankfully, the rest of the procedure was ok, and I was taken to my parent’s house afterwards. Why, you ask? Well, I have 3 medium size dogs who would end up stomping on my nuts like they were trying to put out a forest fire.
The first day was….uncomfortable. I was prescribed 1000mg of Vicodin every 6 hours for the pain, and was told to ice the boys with bags of frozen peas to keep the swelling and pain down. I took have the dose of Vicodin, so the pain was tolerable while remaining fully functional. All in all, not horrible.
Woke up day 2 feeling like I’d been experimenting with a trampling fetish the night before. Once iced, however, all was well. I completed day two without incident, and without Vicodin.
Now the fun part. At the end of day 3, I headed home. My wife was driving, kids were overtired and losing their minds in the back, and we were racing home to put them to bed. I called a good friend of mine, who had this procedure done about 4 years ago, and asked him a few questions. At one point, he said to me “I took it easy, and iced 20 on and 20 off. I was fine after awhile”. This made me ask him “20 on and 20 off?”. Apparently, I misread the instructions. I’d been icing constantly for more than 12 hours straight for 3 fucking days. When I told him this, he informed me that I’ve done the worst thing imaginable, since it can result in frostbite.
I played it off to him on the phone, saying that I’ll be fine and whatnot, and hang up. I then removed the bag of peas from the area, and pulled my pants down as far as I could without removing my seatbelt. To my horror, the base of my nuts was black on both sides.
Needless to say, I freaked the fuck out. We were near the hospital by my house, and I had my wife drop me off at the ER and take the kids home. I called the doctor who performed the procedure, and had to wait while the emergency care receptionist tried to reach him. So now, I’m alone outside the emergency room, wearing pajama pants and a hoodie, crying, and waiting for the doctor to answer his phone before I go in and see if I need some sort of amputation. Freaking out literally does NOT begin to cover it.
Finally, he answers the phone. I told him what I did. He informed me that my nuts can’t be killed that way, and I don’t need to go to the ER. He asked me to take a photo with my phone and text it to him, and he’ll let me know if there’s anything unusual.
I promptly went to the bathroom and snapped some shots of the blackened area, and sent them to him. I then called my wife to pick me up and take me home. On the way home, I realized that I stupidly left my fucking auto-upload feature on Google+ ON, and it already uploaded the pictures of my fucking nuts to Google+!!! Thankfully, I deleted them before anyone saw them, and I’ve never been so happy that Google+ is a ghost town in my LIFE!These photos are only available by request from now on…..
The story ends with my doctor calling me at home, and telling me that everything is fine. He also informed me that I have the least amount of bruising he’s ever seen following a vasectomy. This morning, after getting ready and going to work, I realized that part of the reason I was in very little pain throughout the weekend, was because my balls were so constantly cold that it numbed everything out. Now I’ll be doing 20 on and 20 off until all is better. I can thankfully laugh about it now, and it’s actually pretty funny, but this would definitely NOT have been a happy or funny story if it had been what I feared it was. It should suffice to say, I’m a moron.
Moral of this story, RTFM!!!!