I was nostril raped and all I got was this lousy blog post…

So for those wondering exactly what happened to me over the past week, here’s a slightly-summarized play-by-play of my surgery and the first week of recovery. If you just want the short, short version, doctor said it went well, it hurt like fuck, and painkillers don’t work well on me.


Cross section, detailing the rape path.

So the idea was for me to stop eating at midnight on Thursday and to have the surgery sometime Friday morning. The surgery would remove the bone spur, and reduce the size of the turbinates in my nose. Afterwards, I’d feel like I had a bad head cold and the pain wouldn’t be too bad.

Now here’s what actually happened. They called me up Thursday and told me that my surgery wouldn’t be until 2 fucking 30 in the afternoon! I was allowed to drink clear liquids until 10am Friday morning, and after that I had to fast. Needless to say, by 2:30 on Friday I was fucking dying! I debated ripping open a vein or artery on my body just to drink the blood. They had me strip to my underwear and get into a hospital gown, complete with grippy socks which had grip on the bottom AND top of the socks. Sexy shit!

They take me into a holding area, where I was kept while “on deck” for surgery. I spoke to my doctor, who told me we were all set for the drilling. I’m assuming he’s a die-hard Republican, since I noticed they wrote Alaska on my face. Anyways, they put in the IV and take me into the O.R.. This was the first time I’ve ever been in an operating room, and I must say it was generally generic. Lights, white, and beeping equipment diligently doing it’s job by beeping at set intervals. The drilling was about to commence. As I was about to pass out from the anesthesia, I’m not sure if the doctor really started unzipping his pants, or if I imagined it…..


This is pretty much how it went….

Waking up, as anyone who’s undergone anesthesia knows, sucks. I was groggy as fuck, and opening my eyes was a chore. Once I was able to open my eyes and speak, they took me to the recovery room. They said the surgery went well. They then brought me some cookies and a midget can of ginger ale, stating that I could go home once I ate and drank something. This was about the same time that the pain hit me. It literally felt like my nose had been filled with burning hot embers, that were then blown out of my nose. It was a searing, burned, horror. This prompted me to ask the lovely lady for some fucking painkillers. She comes back with Oxycodone, which I took gladly.

I finished my cookies and soda. After a little while, the pain started to subside, and I started feeling really hazy. I needed help standing up, walking, and dressing myself. After that was taken care of, I was taken home. Two of our closest friends were with us, and asked if we wanted them to pick us up dinner. They picked up sushi for themselves, and a large Carvel chocolate shake for me. I figured if I’m gonna be miserable, I might as well eat/drink whatever I want! It was rather glorious, except that by the time I was halfway done with it, I was drifting in and out of sleep. Our friends went home, and I slept on the couch the first night in a drug-induced stupor.

I awoke feeling….ok, actually. The first recovery day, Saturday, was pretty much spent on the couch or bed, watching movies and playing video games. Pain was negligible, and I didn’t need to take any of the Tylenol with Codeine they gave me. I figured I was doing well, and this would be a cake walk.

Day 2 went by in a blur. I wasn’t in much pain, and I slept during most of the day. That night, however, I started getting a sinus headache and felt a little nauseous, so I blew off our standing appointment with Game of Thrones at the house of a couple friend we know who actually have HBO. I took some of the Tylenol with Codeine before bed, and passed out before it even took effect.

The headache grew during Monday, but was still mostly tolerable. I figured if I felt the same, I could attempt going to work. The other thing that started happening more on Monday was that I started getting a little dizzy, since this all apparently fucked up my equilibrium. Nevertheless, it wasn’t so bad that I didn’t think I could drive.

Tuesday morning I still had a headache, but went to work anyway. The headache grew to a crescendo while at work, until I had to leave early because the pain was too much. It was as if there was a demolition crew inside my head just behind my left eye, complete with massive sledgehammers and explosives, and they were trying to bash their way out of my head through my eye socket. I got home, and figured “fuck the Tylenol, I’m goin’ for the Vicodin!”. I tried sleeping, and it was on and off because of the pain. Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep.

The next day was a true experience in barely tolerable agony. The headache and nausea were so bad, I could do little else but curl up and pray for forgiveness from whoever I wronged to deserve such misery. I’m no stranger to sinus headaches and migraines, after all one of the reasons for getting the surgery was to reduce the frequency of said event. This was far beyond the worst I’ve ever had. I’ve never before had a headache so bad that I came close to vomiting. I was popping Vicodin like fucking Tic Tacs, and all they did was take the tiniest edge off the pain for about 30-45 minutes so I could take a brief nap. It was at this point, Wednesday night, that I called my doctor’s office and begged to be able to take something else to ease the pain. They told me that I was shit outta luck, and had to wait until Thursday morning, when I had my appointment, until I could be cleared for anything else. I was stuck suffering through that night of horrid torment, without pain relief or sleep.

I got out of bed (notice how I didn’t say I ‘woke up’) Thursday morning with a slightly less potent headache. I went to my doctor, and he basically took the metal equivalent of the Mr. Thirsty at the dentist to the inside of my nose and went to town. It was…..odd. He vacuumed out about 80 gallons of bloody mucus, a site whose equal in grossness I’ve only seen in horror flicks, and gave me the all clear to take other pain meds like Excedrin Migraine, the only thing that ever gets rid of those fucking headaches.


The savior of my sanity….

Towards the end of my appointment, after I bitched about the pain and he basically told me to have a Coke and a smile and to shut the fuck up, I was informed that this shit would continue, exactly as it felt then, for the next 2 weeks, which is when my next appointment is. After that, I should START  to feel better… Well hoo-fuckin-ray for that!!! Meanwhile, my headache right now is pretty negligible, as is the nausea and dizzyness. As long as it stays the way it is right now, I should be ok. If it goes back to how it felt early this week, I may end up dipping into my stash of Oxycodone in an effort to retreat from reality and pretend I didn’t “lose time”. Either way, it outta be an interesting two weeks….



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3 responses to “I was nostril raped and all I got was this lousy blog post…”

  1. David DeMar says :

    Yeah, that sounds pretty fucking awful. Did they let you keep the grippy socks at least? I tried to smuggle out as many as possible last time I was in the hospital.

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