So I’m in the bathroom today, squashing off a prize winner that’d make Guinness. In the stall next to me, is a chap who’d been there when I arrived. Now I had to be in there awhile, and the whole time I was thinking of the weird shit (intended) people seem to do and think of when in a bathroom at work.

First. I’m sitting there doing my business. I should be keeping my head in the game, but instead I’m glancing at the shoes of the person in the stall next to me, trying like hell to guess who the fuck it is. Then, I go through a quiet patch while waiting for the next round of hardcore playdough factory. During this time, I’m thinking “that dude’s not making a move or a sound…motherfucker is in the stall just wasting time, probably sleeping or some shit.”.

Now, during times like this, I tend to get irritated. Let’s face it, it does sometimes feel awkward when you’re releasing a shitstorm of vomulence-inducing proportions, and there’s someone in the stall next to you. Because let’s face it, chances are they’re looking at your shoes and may ascertain your identity. Then you’ll have to worry about being known as the fucking Golgothan all over the office. It’s bad enough when someone is already in there cursing the bowl with his putrescence, but when they aren’t doing anything but hanging out it becomes maddening.

Another stupid thing that goes through your head, is when you can kinda see through the tiny space between the stall door and the wall or door frame. Then, whenever someone goes by, you wonder to yourself “are they looking through the cracks trying to see me in here?”. So you try and get creative by lowering your head and covering up, as if anyone really wants to see what’s happening in there. I happen to know that whenever I see that a stall is occupied, I make it a point of looking the other way the ENTIRE time. The last thing I wanna see is Santa atop the throne of hell, squashing off a yule log.

My next issue, and this is a personal pet peeve of mine, is people talking in the bathroom. If I’m in the stall, or at the urinal, I’m not interested in conversation. I don’t find it enjoyable to start talking to guys while I’m handling the sensitive equipment. Also, I have no desire to chat up someone who knuckle deep in his own goddamn meat dish. You wanna talk? Wait til I’m outside the room and I’ll chat all you want, but cock-in-hand is not a good time to start chatting up another dude…unless you putt from the rough, that is….

Finally,  my biggest problem. I laugh. I can’t help myself. Maybe it’s just because part of me never grew up, but when someone is farting or shitting very noisily, I bust out laughing. This makes for incredibly awkward moments, especially when I’m standing at the urinal when it happens, and someone is at the sink washing their hands. Now I look like a goddamn lunatic fifth grader because I’m guffawing at someone’s explosive diarrhea. It’s even worse when I start laughing and I’M the one making the noise!!! Talk about awkward!!! I can only imagine what people think when they leave, which is why I sometimes wait until the room has cleared out, and hope they didn’t secretly stake out the entrance to the bathroom in hopes of seeing exactly who this laughing asshole is!!!


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One response to “Toilettiquette…”

  1. Tommy says :

    Glad to know I’m not the only one with issues of pooping at work. Agree with everything except the laughing part, can’t bring myself to do that, don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

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