Communication breakup

For my next trick, I’ll go after some relationship shit. Namely the single most deadly thing to a relationship. Something that will, quite simply, make or break it. Communication, and its lack thereof.

I know many will read this and say how obvious it is, how they’ve heard it before, and how they know exactly how to properly communicate. Funny thing is, many people who think that are wrong as hell. Communicating with your significant other isn’t as simple as saying what’s on your mind and resolving fights. If you can’t communicate about 99.9% of shit with your significant other (.1% would be reserved for stuff like how cute her sister is, or how small you think his junk is), then you’re playing with fire, and may hit some really nasty rough spots that could easily have been avoided. From my crazy perspective, it should go something like this.

First off, the two-way street. Having one person who’s a great communicator, and another who’s not good at it, will be a problem. If the communicator is doing most of the talking, it’s hard for them to get a good feel of where the non-communicator is, emotionally, in the conversation. Also, the communicator can eventually feel exhausted and frustrated if it’s always a chore to try to “get it out of” the other person. After awhile, they tend to just give up and, very selectively, pick their battles. This leaves a lot unsaid, and unresolved, and can lead to tension and resentment.

If both people are poor communicators, then they are essentially living in their own worlds. This can work for some, but definitely not for others. If someone is used to being alone, for example, they would be ok with living in their own world, since adapting yourself and merging worlds with another is deeply rooted in trust, acceptance, and compromise. This can be tough to accept for them, but not impossible, since they typically don’t handle change very well. They just have to learn to get their point across, and decide what world they wanna live in. Anyways, I’m veering, time to steer back on course.

Now if you are both good communicators, you’re halfway there. Yes, it’s not only about being willing to talk, you have to understand a few other things also. Like these.

TACT. This is mainly for guys. As guys, we tend to be pretty fucking stupid at first. We say things, or answer questions, and end up with a hurt or pissed off partner and don’t have any clue why. This is because, when we’re younger, we lack tact. We give straightforward answers, rather bluntly. Like this:

girl: “do you like how I look in this outfit?” (WARNING! This is a danger question, to which there are few correct answers. Saying yes isn’t always the right answer!)

guy: “eeehh, not really. You were gonna wear that out?”

Now at this point, the guy probably thought this was a safe way of saying ‘no dear, that looks like ass, burn it’, but in reality it’s much worse. I’d personally go for something like “You know, I think that other outfit you have looks better and flatters you more. Try it on and we’ll see.” Like I said, a little tact goes a long way.

SPITE: Lots of people tend to play the spite game, such as “well if HE’S not going to replace the toilet paper and just use his sock, then so will I!” This doesn’t help. Talk about shit instead of just performing spite actions. It just leads to resentment.

PRIDE/EMBARRASSMENT: This tends to be huge. Many people won’t talk about things because they either feel embarrassed about it or are too prideful. These people are dumbasses. You’re in a relationship here, with someone who you’ll spend (hopefully) the rest of your life with. Talking about your issues is paramount, since letting it fester is only going to lead to resentment. Admitting you like Nickelback or Justin Beiber is definitely something you wouldn’t tell even a close friend, but your partner should be receptive to it and understanding of your apparent deficiency. Also, don’t be too proud to sing in the car, horribly, with your partner. If it pains them too much, you should talk it out and compromise (such as 1 song per car ride, preferably nothing by Boston or REM).

Another part of the embarrassment section is not performing any vulgar bodily functions around each other. This is one thing I never understood. Why be afraid to pee, poop, ralph, burp, or fart around your partner? Is it a forbidden thing, a magical thing, that just sort of happens without you ever seeing it? No, and you shouldn’t be embarrassed by it. It happens, it’s natural, and instead of being grossed out or feared, it should be judged and graded.

I’ll wrap up with a few last bits of randomness. If you’re committed to making it work, be honest, open, and caring. Really TALK to your partner. Speak from the heart. Make obvious effort to make it work. Be willing to admit you’re wrong, and understand why. If you see that you do a particular thing, or exhibit a particular behavior, that is hurtful, be willing to face your demons and change it. Chances are, it’ll only make you a better person, and will help you interact with others in the future.

Oh, and guys, try to NEVER use the word FINE…in the female language it’s considered a curse word….

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  1. Assume the role of relationship killer | Unwanted Criticisms - August 13, 2013

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